Money, markets and the people who keep finding less of both. All satire; the real report is linked under each story.
BusinessThe broadband giant is to axe a 'sizeable chunk' of its workforce, though it has not yet settled on a number, much like its engineers' arrival times. The company is wrestling with billions in debt and tougher competition, and has settled on the traditional remedy of fewer people, mostly ones customers never speak to anyway. Customers are not expected to notice any change in service, which is rather the problem.
Satire of a real story from BBC News: “Thousands of jobs at Virgin Media O2 to be cut”
BusinessFrom November, hosts may no longer demand that guests do the dishes or take out the bins, ending the long tradition of paying hotel prices to do housework in someone else's flat. Some hosts object that guests have effectively been given 'permission' to leave the place a tip, the cleaning fee having apparently always been more of a mood than a service. Guests are relieved, though one suspects the shortfall will reappear as a 'kitchen ambience surcharge'.
Satire of a real story from BBC News: “No more washing up: How Airbnb's new house rules have divided hosts and guests”
BusinessThe Nasdaq has fallen to a two-month low after markets briefly entertained the unfashionable notion that spending a trillion dollars should eventually result in a profit. Some will call it a healthy correction, a phrase usually heard shortly before an unhealthy one. A spokesman for the AI industry said the question would be answered shortly by a chatbot, which was still thinking.
Satire of a real story from BBC News: “US tech stocks see sharp falls as AI spending nears $1tn”
BusinessNational Grid has struck a deal to build an enormous substation on Teesside to power a giant data centre, as ministers race to avoid the embarrassment of an AI boom happening somewhere with cheaper electricity. Locals have been promised jobs, prosperity and, eventually, a chatbot able to explain why their bills have gone up. Ministers call this sort of thing infrastructure, which is shorter than 'we hope this works'.
Satire of a real story from Sky News: “National Grid sparks deal to pave way for giant UK data centre”
BusinessPrivate equity firm TDR Capital has agreed a €400m takeover of the adult toy retailer, giving it a vertically integrated portfolio covering the big shop, the four pints and whatever happens afterwards. Familiar private equity synergies may follow, such as loading the business with debt and calling it stimulation. Customers will hope their loyalty points remain strictly confidential.
Satire of a real story from Sky News: “Buyout firm TDR Capital strikes €400m deal to buy Lovehoney”
BusinessCryptocurrency worth $6.3bn has been stolen from Binance, in what one insider called 'the largest bank heist in human history', a sentence the industry had always hoped to say about itself in a different context. The FBI blames North Korea, which is now among the most successful fintech investors in the world. Binance insists user funds are safe, and in fairness the money is still on the blockchain, just not theirs.
Satire of a real story from Sky News: “Crypto industry suffers 'largest bank heist in human history'”
BusinessA Northern Irish firm has told administrators it remains eager to rescue the discount retailer, an expression of enthusiasm the chain has not received from a customer since 2019. The precise price has not been disclosed, though the name suggests a reserve figure. The deal could, in theory, still fall apart over a single £1.50 item that used to cost a pound.
Satire of a real story from Sky News: “Poundland bidder tells administrator it remains keen on rescue deal”
BusinessBP has posted its biggest profits since 2008, exceeding even the heady days of 2022 when the rest of the country was deciding which room to heat. The company credits a 'higher-price, higher-margin environment', which is one way of describing your bills. Its transition to green energy continues at a pace geologists would recognise.
Satire of a real story from Sky News: “BP profits hit 18-year high as another bank makes billions”