Westminster, reported with the enthusiasm it deserves. All satire; the real report is linked under each story.
PoliticsRachel Reeves, who spent her time at the Treasury in a government committed to staying out of the EU, has bravely announced that leaving it was a mistake, the precise moment her opinion became of no practical consequence. It is, of course, much easier to find one's principles once one has located the exit. Kemi Badenoch said she 'can't even believe we are reopening' the debate, a sentiment shared by anyone who lived through it the first time.
Satire of a real story from BBC News: “Reeves says UK's future should be inside the EU”
PoliticsAndy Burnham has ruled out an early general election in the clearest possible terms, causing some Labour MPs to tell their staff to prepare for one. Under long-standing Westminster convention, nothing is believed until it has been officially denied at least three times. The only thing that would truly kill the speculation, presumably, is if the PM said he definitely wanted one.
Satire of a real story from BBC News: “Why MPs keep talking about an early election despite Burnham's denials”
PoliticsShabana Mahmood will announce that some migrants must wait ten years or more before being allowed to settle, a policy MPs warn could encourage the people currently keeping hospitals and care homes open to leave the country. Critics say changing the rules on people who planned their lives around them is unfair, though at least everyone will now be equally short of a nurse. Campaigners call the plans 'an iteration of Windrush era policies', a comparison the Home Office can only fully rebut once it has lost the paperwork.
Satire of a real story from The Guardian: “Home secretary to make some migrants wait 10 years or more for right to settle in UK”
PoliticsMinisters are prepared to let European students pay the same fees as Britons, provided the UK is allowed into a protectionist industrial scheme designed to keep out countries outside the bloc, which Britain now is. EU diplomats are hoping for what one called 'the real reset', which for Britain apparently means paying to rejoin a club it resigned from, via the tradesman's entrance. The plan could prove controversial at home, though Brexiteers may need a moment to work out which bit.
Satire of a real story from The Guardian: “UK willing to spend £450m a year on EU students if it can join Made in Europe scheme”
PoliticsDefence-turned-Chancellor John Healey has made clear that any apology for Britain's role in the slave trade, should one come, will be, crucially, non-refundable. The government's position appears to be that the words 'we are sorry' must never be read as 'we owe you'. The invoice is presumably lost in the post.
Satire of a real story from The Guardian: “John Healey says UK apology over historic role in slave trade won’t lead to financial reparations – as it happened”
PoliticsFormer co-leader Adrian Ramsay says the Greens must return to 'core values', notably the environment, after an influx of members who apparently believed the party was about something else. Some newcomers, he suggests, would be 'more at home' in the Socialist Workers Party, which will be news to the Socialist Workers Party. The party is expected to recycle the debate repeatedly until it biodegrades.
Satire of a real story from The Guardian: “Green party must avoid being taken over by hard left, says former leader”
PoliticsJohn Healey has reassured under-20s that the promise to equalise the minimum wage remains a cornerstone of policy, in the sense that cornerstones are typically buried and walked over. Asked whether it would happen before the next election, he declined to guarantee it. Young workers are advised to age faster, which remains the government's most cost-effective wage policy.
Satire of a real story from The Guardian: “Labour’s pledge to level-up minimum wage for under-20s before next election in doubt”